CHICKENPIE.The Meta-Meeting: When Talks Need Talks
In a stunning display of bureaucratic efficiency, the Philippine Senate announced this week that they will convene to discuss the possibility of potentially having talks about whether to initiate conversations with China regarding West Philippine Sea tensions. Because why have one layer of discussion when you can have three?
While Chinese and Philippine vessels continue their awkward dance in contested waters—imagine two people perpetually reaching for the same door handle—our esteemed senators are taking a more measured approach: talking about the logistics of talking about what they might eventually talk about.
The Diplomatic Turducken
This is what we call "diplomatic inception"—a talk within a talk within a talk. The agenda reportedly includes crucial items such as: determining the optimal font size for future meeting invitations, debating whether virtual or in-person pre-meetings about meetings are more effective, and scheduling a follow-up session to review the minutes of the session about scheduling sessions.
Meanwhile, fishermen in the disputed waters have developed their own diplomatic protocol: a series of meaningful glances and the occasional shrug that communicates more in five seconds than months of senatorial deliberations.
"By the time we finish discussing what to discuss, the sea level might rise enough to solve the territorial dispute for us." — Anonymous Senate staffer
In fairness to our legislators, this layered approach to diplomacy does have its merits. By the time they actually get around to substantive talks, everyone involved will be so exhausted from procedural preliminaries that they'll agree to anything just to make it stop. It's like diplomatic warfare by attrition, but with more PowerPoint presentations and catered lunch breaks.
As tensions in the West Philippine Sea continue to simmer, one thing is certain: whatever happens out there in those contested waters, it'll be thoroughly, comprehensively, and exhaustively discussed—eventually. Right after we discuss when to start discussing it.
