The Hague Calling Collect

The Hague Has Eight New Speed Dials

In a plot twist that surprised absolutely no one who paid attention, the International Criminal Court's prosecution has officially named eight people as indirect co-perpetrators alongside former President Rodrigo Duterte in the crimes against humanity case. Leading the pack: Senators Ronald "Bato" dela Rosa and Lawrence "Bong" Go — the ever-loyal sidekicks who apparently didn't realize that loyalty has a paper trail.

Malacañang's response? "If they're innocent, they shouldn't hide." Which is exactly the kind of advice you give someone right before they start checking flight schedules. The Philippine government is currently doing its best impression of someone who has definitely not been watching this case develop for years.

The Satire Writes Itself (But We Helped)

Picture this: eight people who spent years insisting the drug war was "clean" and "legal" are now being asked to explain that position to international judges who have access to, well, everything. Bato, who once proudly declared himself Duterte's executioner of policy, is now discovering that words have weight — specifically, the weight of an ICC indictment.

"Co-perpetrator" is just bureaucratic for "You were there. We have receipts. See you in The Hague."

The chicken watching from the corner of this caricature isn't smirking — it's just relieved that even chickens have better instincts than to leave a paper trail. Justice, it seems, is a slow but very thorough chicken.